Tek, A. et al

After submitting their CVs, statement of research interests, summary of previous research, future research plan, list of selected publications, teaching statement, and one kidney to the faculty selection committee, four lucky finalists will have the opportunity to fight to the death for one tenure-track position. 

Dr. Smith Schitte, head of the selection committee, claimed that the brutal fight to the death was a necessary component of the faculty selection’s process. “This department emphasizes academic rigor. Outstanding applicants need to be able to defend their ideas, and themselves.”

Other members of the faculty selection committee agreed with Dr. Schitte. “Not only will this allow us to observe applicant’s ability to defend themselves against their peers, the melee-style combat will allow the selection committee to understand how well they can collaborate with their peers. We expect applicants to work together in teams at the beginning of the fight, with one pair surviving to fight each other. We might also see a betrayal situation, where one team member stabs the other team member in the back. It’s a very spontaneous, organic way to measure the quality of our applicants.” 

Asked for the logistical details, Dr. Schitte responded “We’ll put down some wood chips in the auditorium after the chalk talk to absorb the blood and then reuse the space for the fight to the death. The janitors are going to hate us.” Weapons will be paid for using departmental funds that were previously earmarked for conference travel reimbursement.

At time of publication, 300 applications for the position & 250 kidneys had been submitted to the selection committee.